Last week I wrote about the “done/not done having babies” dilemma I and many others find ourselves in. I expected it would spark a response, as it’s been a burning question in my various circles lately, and it did not disappoint. I did notice something interesting though, and I want to share it with you…
As I had anticipated, the first comments to roll in went along the lines of “yes, I feel this to my core” and “I’m in this place right now too”.
The next wave came from mothers and parents of older children, teenagers and adults, who expressed that yes, the early years are rough, but “you never regret the children you do have, only the ones you don’t”.
And then, my inbox lit up like the night sky on New Years.
Before we get to why, I want to take this back a few steps and recap the social “rules” surrounding child-rearing, specifically motherhood. According to what Dr Sophie Brock conceptualises as “the Perfect Mother Myth”, a good mother must always be (amongst many other things) naturally nurturing, grateful and fulfilled by motherhood (see also, #blessed, Jess Urlichs’ poem of the same name, and the chapter titled “Guilt” in my book).
To speak outside of this framework sees you pegged as a bad mother, and to openly reject or (even worse) regret motherhood in a pronatalist society like ours can peg you as a defective woman.
This hierarchy of perceived goodness and morality makes some narratives of motherhood more socially acceptable than others:
The perfect mother may say “I love my children and motherhood completely.”
The “bad” (or boundary pushing, myth disrupting) mother may say “I love my children, but regret what has come my way (and what is lost) due to motherhood.”
The “defective” mother/woman may say “regardless of my love or otherwise for my children, I regret having them. If I could do life over, I would not have them.”
When I posted last week, people shared and self-censored accordingly. The “if you’re not sure, you’re not done” commenters went public. The “if you’re not sure, you might want to stop” and regretful commenters went private (or perhaps said nothing at all).
The private DMs I received were raw.
“Having a third has broken me.”
“I never have enough arms - there is always someone crying, and often it’s me.”
“I honestly wish we’d stopped sooner.”
It seems there are parents out there regretting having those exact babies the mothers of older children were telling me I wouldn’t regret.
Analysis of anonymous online forums indicates that often this kind of parental regret, where parents initially regret having the number of children they have then change their tune later once the intense years of childhood have passed, is more common than regretting having (some or all of you) children altogether. [Warning on some pretty nasty ableism in the sections of the linked research paper titled “difficult children” and “self as bad parent”.] Whether immense mental anguish, physical stress, financial strain or other difficulty in one part or season of life is “worth it in the long run” is up to individual subjective judgement, and such a conclusion is not necessarily guaranteed.
Some mothers wholly regret having children, and this does not change with time, ageing or rose-coloured glasses. Sociologist Orna Donath is the author of “Regretting Motherhood”, a book exploring the lived experience of 23 mothers who actively regret becoming mothers. This snippet, from the book blurb:
“If we are disturbed by the idea that a woman might regret becoming a mother, Donath says, our response should not be to silence and shame these women; rather, we need to ask honest and difficult questions about how society pushes women into motherhood and why those who reconsider it are still seen as a danger to the status quo.”
While I’m yet to get my hands on a copy (sidenote that my friend and feminist book reviewer Emmeline Tyler has, and I’m very keen to hear her thoughts), I have listened to Donath’s interview on the wonderful Women Without Kids podcast.
The episode itself is super interesting and well worth a listen, but the main takeaway at this point is simply to say some mothers DO regret having kids, and that these are the stories and experiences we don’t hear in public spaces (or even most private spaces) unless under the cover of near-complete anonymity. Indeed, I’ve met and spoken with a lot of parents in my time and none of them are out-and-proud public regretters, despite polls indicating 7-14% of parents wouldn’t have children if they could choose again.
As per Donath’s point above, we also can’t ignore the extent to which the dilemma of whether to expand our families or not is tied up with reproductive rights and access to reproductive health care. In defiance of the “you won’t regret the kids you have, only the ones you don’t” line that is commonly shared, it’s worth noting that 59% of those who undergo an abortion are already mothers or parents. Research indicates the primary reason for these mothers seeking termination of a pregnancy is “maternal reasoning”, that is the belief that “their existing children or potential children will be better off as a result of their abortion”. [A note the term “potential children” means children resulting from possible future pregnancies in this paper.]
Clearly, the scenario of considering an abortion is not the same as non-pregnant women and potential birth parents trying to decide whether to conceive ahead of time. Still, it is notable that data indicates 95% of those who do decide terminate a pregnancy believe they made the right decision when queried about it five years down the track, including those who were on the fence about their choice at the time. It seems the majority of those who choose to terminate, the majority of whom are already mothers, don’t necessarily regret the children they don’t have either.
So where does this information leave me, and perhaps you, trying to nut out a path forward? Spoiler: I have no bloody idea. I feel like a yo-yo, going up and down between my rational mind’s “yep, we’re done”, and a gut feeling of “psssst! Just one more!” Neither one is winning yet, and for a planner like me, it is very irritating.
If this sounds familiar, I’d like to invite you to become a paid subscriber to this here Default Parent Project substack. For the grand total of $6/month (and yes, you’re welcome to cancel anytime), paid members are invited to a thought, feeling and resource sharing circle on the topic of “Done or Not?” on Sat 15th July at 4pm Sydney time.
Also, if you know without a shadow of a doubt one way or the other we would very much love if you’d join us swirly ones to share your insights, reasoning and felt experience. (Is it true that when you know you know? And how are you coming to terms with it if the decision was taken out of your hands?)
Call details are below, and I’ll send reminder to paid supporters on the day. It won’t be recorded for privacy reasons, but if you miss it, I’ll make a list of any resources we discuss and send them afterwards (along with the list of books and podcasts we discussed in June’s Culture Club session which I completely forgot to do (sorry!).
I host an online community event every 3-4 weeks so your month’s subscription will give you get access to the Q&A session for mothers, parents, doulas (yes, this includes the wannabe doulas) and family support workers coming up in early August too.
Yours in limbo,
Anna x
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