Living this experience and people really don’t understand how hard it is unless they have lived it. 4 year old low sleep needs highly sensitive child and current 16 month old who it seems is also low sleep nights although seems less sensitive in terms of temperament. Going to bed as soon as the last one falls asleep is key for me. But there are so many advantages as well, I get to spent a quality 3 or 4 hours with my kids after I come home from work. The kids get involved with all the stuff that needs to be done because I try and do it while they are awake cooking, tidying etc (takes longer and it’s not always successful but it works a lot of the time). I think my main grief is that I would have loved more kids but I know that we (myself and my partner and our relationship) just don’t have the capacity to do it again and potentially get another low sleep need kid. It would just stretch us past our limit.
I’m with you in both the advantages and that grief. There’s no guarantee a third wouldn’t be just as hard/worse in terms of effects on my own sleep, and doing that on the back of how many years of sleep debt and that much older...I just don’t know that I can risk it. Thanks for reading and taking the time to share.
You hit the nail on the head with this one Anna! 🙌 I'm so glad I found the work of people like Dr Pam Douglas and Lyndsey Hookway early on in my parenting journey, but still, 3.5 years later, I still hear the occasional suggestion ("have you tried X?") and wonder to myself how sitting in a dark room with white noise would do anything but drive a parent mad (quite literally) when their child just doesn't need that much sleep. You calculating those parenting hours? Just SO validating.
I can tell you it is awful because I tried it! Hours in a dark room every day, part in part out of a cot side-carred to the big bed, it was so bad for my mental health. I’m so glad the calculations and article helped in validating your experience.
Thank you for this super in depth essay... I related to a lot of what you have written... like the approach of seeing the advantages.
My little one has already dropped to one nap at a year old and actually it’s made my life easier because we can do things with my older one without having to work around a schedule. While she isn’t super low sleep needs she definitely is lower than average and yet my first was the opposite and slept through the night for 12 hours without question without a peep at 6 months... total unicorn I now realise. I really fought the difference at first but got support to understand her needs (definitely an orchid baby) and it’s helped me to allow her to guide us to create a little rhythm that works for us all instead of us trying to force a schedule on her.
It’s been intense... I can’t ever imagine sleeping a full night again but I’ve taken that expectation off the table. My husband still hasn’t quite accepted it fully though... not sure if he ever will.
I also live by the phrase of... this too shall pass and remind myself I won’t still be being head-butted or kicked in the face in the middle of the night when she is 18 (well not as often I hope anyway)... and just take it one day at a time.
Hugs to all of those in the thick of it right now.
Sounds like your first was one o those enviable sleepers then just when you think you’ve got parenting sorted, BAM - surprise!! You’re smart to take the “full night’s sleep” off the table for now, it does happen again eventually but torturing yourself to try and “achieve” it is not worthwhile.
The sleep training industry is so pernicious, spreading disinformation in place of the education parents need.
I wish I had known even that little gem about not trying to put the baby to sleep for more then 20 minutes. I remember driving myself to distraction trying to put my toddler to sleep.
Having said that he is an average sleep needs child, hats off to those of you who have put in all those extra weeks (!)
It’s an industry that so often invents a problem to sell a solution and I simply loathe it. If a baby takes longer than 20mins to go to sleep, they’re likely bored not tired. Yet sleep trainers will tell you to double down, that they’re unruly because they’re overtired! It’s so difficult as a parent to know who and what to believe. Hopefully this article and the links in it go some was to addressing that.
Livng this and in the trenches, a toddler who's 3 in April and a 7 month old. I cannot tell you how seen I feel reading this. It's so hard and I never knew I could get so angry.
The only way we can get more sleep is to co-sleep, often all 4 in a bed, has been actually for the past 5 months. My toddler dropped his nap months ago so days are full on and we have to get outside everyday. It's just really hard and in my desperate moments I blame us but it's not true, it just is what it is. Thank you
You’re right, it’s not true. One day the fog will clear, but right now do whatever you need to do to get through. In my book there are chapters specifically on overwhelm and anger which you may find useful. Search for “Anna Asks” then scroll right back to season 2 - I read it out for free.
Thank you for this validating article. I actually cried because it validated that it really is this tough and I'm doing the best I can.
I survive by doing what you say - asking for help, telling myself "this is temporary" and completely letting go of household chore standards. I do what I can when I can. I've found local people who cater from home so they're like home-cooked meals for when I just can't get to dinner. I ask uni students to babysit and also just play with the kids at home so I can get things done and help with light housework.
These are great strategies, and a reminder that “support” doesn’t always have to mean family or friends. Our daycare is a huge support to me, as is grocery delivery and every other thing that makes things that little bit easier. Glad you found resonance and validation in this, you’re doing a brilliant job even when it feels like you’re trudging through mud.
Thank you SO much for this article!! My partner and I are parenting a 20mo gremlin who is exactly as you described - low sleep / high sensory needs - and have also discovered our own neurodivergence whilst on this parenting journey. It’s been TOUGH. We’ve got no family support nearby, and have switched to part time work to do as much of life on easy mode as we can.
We feel so validated by what you have written, and wish we had known it could be like that. I always wanted multiple kids and now don’t know how we’d survive. They say parenting changes you but I had no idea it could change you like this!
It’s so full on isn’t it? Thank you for sharing this - its permission giving to others to read that dropping back on work (where possible) is life saving rather than a sign of failure or “giving in”. And you are far from alone discovering your neurodivergence through your child, it’s story I hear over and over again, particularly for mothers with the underrecognition of neurodivergence in girls and AFAB people.
Our cultures obsession with baby sleep looking a specific way is very meaningful. If we showed up for moms the way they need, we’d have to reorient so much of our energy.
Also, feels so validating. I remember feeling so lost and stressed when my newborn wasn’t meeting the 14 hour minimum. Thankfully a friend had heard of low sleep need kids. Never thought to add up the extra hours. Such a great idea!
If I was a more eloquent writer I could have penned this myself. Only 19months into it all however it resonates for sure. We're about to go down the route of ENT surgery, I'm very worried that I've put to many eggs in this basket and am so fearful that it won't work. I think I'm so worried that if it doesn't work I'll blame myself for making a decision to put my child through this in my sleep deprived state. I'm also worried that I've convinced myself that there's something wrong with him because I'm struggling so much with my energy how could anything else be true? A small part of me also worries that maybe the sleep training thing would have worked (although I don't think I would survived it) so thank you for writing this. It's an important message to get out there
Living this experience and people really don’t understand how hard it is unless they have lived it. 4 year old low sleep needs highly sensitive child and current 16 month old who it seems is also low sleep nights although seems less sensitive in terms of temperament. Going to bed as soon as the last one falls asleep is key for me. But there are so many advantages as well, I get to spent a quality 3 or 4 hours with my kids after I come home from work. The kids get involved with all the stuff that needs to be done because I try and do it while they are awake cooking, tidying etc (takes longer and it’s not always successful but it works a lot of the time). I think my main grief is that I would have loved more kids but I know that we (myself and my partner and our relationship) just don’t have the capacity to do it again and potentially get another low sleep need kid. It would just stretch us past our limit.
I’m with you in both the advantages and that grief. There’s no guarantee a third wouldn’t be just as hard/worse in terms of effects on my own sleep, and doing that on the back of how many years of sleep debt and that much older...I just don’t know that I can risk it. Thanks for reading and taking the time to share.
You hit the nail on the head with this one Anna! 🙌 I'm so glad I found the work of people like Dr Pam Douglas and Lyndsey Hookway early on in my parenting journey, but still, 3.5 years later, I still hear the occasional suggestion ("have you tried X?") and wonder to myself how sitting in a dark room with white noise would do anything but drive a parent mad (quite literally) when their child just doesn't need that much sleep. You calculating those parenting hours? Just SO validating.
I can tell you it is awful because I tried it! Hours in a dark room every day, part in part out of a cot side-carred to the big bed, it was so bad for my mental health. I’m so glad the calculations and article helped in validating your experience.
Thank you for this super in depth essay... I related to a lot of what you have written... like the approach of seeing the advantages.
My little one has already dropped to one nap at a year old and actually it’s made my life easier because we can do things with my older one without having to work around a schedule. While she isn’t super low sleep needs she definitely is lower than average and yet my first was the opposite and slept through the night for 12 hours without question without a peep at 6 months... total unicorn I now realise. I really fought the difference at first but got support to understand her needs (definitely an orchid baby) and it’s helped me to allow her to guide us to create a little rhythm that works for us all instead of us trying to force a schedule on her.
It’s been intense... I can’t ever imagine sleeping a full night again but I’ve taken that expectation off the table. My husband still hasn’t quite accepted it fully though... not sure if he ever will.
I also live by the phrase of... this too shall pass and remind myself I won’t still be being head-butted or kicked in the face in the middle of the night when she is 18 (well not as often I hope anyway)... and just take it one day at a time.
Hugs to all of those in the thick of it right now.
Sounds like your first was one o those enviable sleepers then just when you think you’ve got parenting sorted, BAM - surprise!! You’re smart to take the “full night’s sleep” off the table for now, it does happen again eventually but torturing yourself to try and “achieve” it is not worthwhile.
Great article!
The sleep training industry is so pernicious, spreading disinformation in place of the education parents need.
I wish I had known even that little gem about not trying to put the baby to sleep for more then 20 minutes. I remember driving myself to distraction trying to put my toddler to sleep.
Having said that he is an average sleep needs child, hats off to those of you who have put in all those extra weeks (!)
It’s an industry that so often invents a problem to sell a solution and I simply loathe it. If a baby takes longer than 20mins to go to sleep, they’re likely bored not tired. Yet sleep trainers will tell you to double down, that they’re unruly because they’re overtired! It’s so difficult as a parent to know who and what to believe. Hopefully this article and the links in it go some was to addressing that.
Livng this and in the trenches, a toddler who's 3 in April and a 7 month old. I cannot tell you how seen I feel reading this. It's so hard and I never knew I could get so angry.
The only way we can get more sleep is to co-sleep, often all 4 in a bed, has been actually for the past 5 months. My toddler dropped his nap months ago so days are full on and we have to get outside everyday. It's just really hard and in my desperate moments I blame us but it's not true, it just is what it is. Thank you
You’re right, it’s not true. One day the fog will clear, but right now do whatever you need to do to get through. In my book there are chapters specifically on overwhelm and anger which you may find useful. Search for “Anna Asks” then scroll right back to season 2 - I read it out for free.
Thank you I ll have a look. Rage is a big one for me 😞
Thank you for this validating article. I actually cried because it validated that it really is this tough and I'm doing the best I can.
I survive by doing what you say - asking for help, telling myself "this is temporary" and completely letting go of household chore standards. I do what I can when I can. I've found local people who cater from home so they're like home-cooked meals for when I just can't get to dinner. I ask uni students to babysit and also just play with the kids at home so I can get things done and help with light housework.
These are great strategies, and a reminder that “support” doesn’t always have to mean family or friends. Our daycare is a huge support to me, as is grocery delivery and every other thing that makes things that little bit easier. Glad you found resonance and validation in this, you’re doing a brilliant job even when it feels like you’re trudging through mud.
Thank you SO much for this article!! My partner and I are parenting a 20mo gremlin who is exactly as you described - low sleep / high sensory needs - and have also discovered our own neurodivergence whilst on this parenting journey. It’s been TOUGH. We’ve got no family support nearby, and have switched to part time work to do as much of life on easy mode as we can.
We feel so validated by what you have written, and wish we had known it could be like that. I always wanted multiple kids and now don’t know how we’d survive. They say parenting changes you but I had no idea it could change you like this!
It’s so full on isn’t it? Thank you for sharing this - its permission giving to others to read that dropping back on work (where possible) is life saving rather than a sign of failure or “giving in”. And you are far from alone discovering your neurodivergence through your child, it’s story I hear over and over again, particularly for mothers with the underrecognition of neurodivergence in girls and AFAB people.
Also isn’t it weird that a low sleep needs child is problematised, but adults who get by on very little sleep are valorised?
Loved this!
Our cultures obsession with baby sleep looking a specific way is very meaningful. If we showed up for moms the way they need, we’d have to reorient so much of our energy.
Also, feels so validating. I remember feeling so lost and stressed when my newborn wasn’t meeting the 14 hour minimum. Thankfully a friend had heard of low sleep need kids. Never thought to add up the extra hours. Such a great idea!
If I was a more eloquent writer I could have penned this myself. Only 19months into it all however it resonates for sure. We're about to go down the route of ENT surgery, I'm very worried that I've put to many eggs in this basket and am so fearful that it won't work. I think I'm so worried that if it doesn't work I'll blame myself for making a decision to put my child through this in my sleep deprived state. I'm also worried that I've convinced myself that there's something wrong with him because I'm struggling so much with my energy how could anything else be true? A small part of me also worries that maybe the sleep training thing would have worked (although I don't think I would survived it) so thank you for writing this. It's an important message to get out there
So glad you got that nap! And I love that you put ‘sleep’ in speech marks - sometimes it does not feel that way to us does it 😂